Satanic Panic! WARNING SIGN FILMS & Food Pairings

Long gone are the days where young ladies knew their place. Today, I bring you my latest and most unsettling discovery. Instead of using their time more wisely, to attend to their husbands or beautify themselves for their suitors, the two women (if we may even call them that) behind ‘Preaching To The Perverted’ appear to spend their waking hours lounging about in revealing attire, discussing the most debauched and depraved movies they can find. Like any red-blooded man, I believed the first two episodes were the epitome of everything wrong with this country, yet nothing could prepare me for their third installment. Masks off, as they say: the pair finally reveal their true purpose: the dissemination of Satanic propaganda.

In this episode the conniving hosts invite us to enjoy films such as ‘All The Colours of the Dark’ (1972), a giallo directed by Sergio Martino. Full of regrettable scenes such as blood-drinking orgies and copious amounts of drug use, its single redeeming quality lies in warning us of the perils of dark magic and the safety of good, old-fashioned heterosexual love. The heroine, unhinged after a miscarriage, spirals into a pit of witchcraft and moral decay. Thankfully, her loyal husband saves her in the end, though her sanity may be beyond salvation. But of course, this is not how our two harlots spin the tale. Instead, they bemoan the woman’s lack of agency and even suggest that she is willingly submitting to her own horrible debasement!

It is all downhill from there, of course, since the next film that they propose is Mephisto Waltz (1971) by Paul Wendkos. This time there are barely any redeeming qualities to be found. Perhaps the best aspect of their analysis is that the blonde one rightfully highlights that faustian deals (like all kinds of spellwork and witchcraft, if you ask me) are homosexual in nature. But far from pointing out how disgraceful this is, both hosts then proceed to gush over the many homosexual undertones of the relationship between the two male leads!  

If this was not enough, they then comment on what is surely the most disgusting and perverted movie of all: ‘Lucifer Rising’ by Kenneth Anger (1972-1980). Both hosts continue to push the homosexual agenda, which only proves how deeply intertwined perversion, homosexuality and sin are. In what this writer can only deem softcore cannibalism, the podcast hosts recommend consuming raw meat whilst watching this movie. As if that were not enough, their anti-national campaign must know no bounds, because they pair this with a soy-sauce based vinaigrette - when will this madness end!? Is hollandaise not good enough for these heathens?

All the Colours of the Dark is the only film in this list that showcases the reality of satanic cult-following, since the young protagonist ends up losing her body and her mind to the cultist fabrications of occult mongerers. Perhaps that’s why it’s no wonder that the food recommendation for this film is slightly less outrageous than the rest of them: a titillating canapé made of scorpion fish mousse and mayonnaise. However, since scorpion fish mousse is a traditional Basque Country delicacy, it is impossible to tell whether this choice was another call for national disunity and perhaps, even a suggestion of domestic terrorism.

But perhaps the most egregious recipe that these two temptresses recommend is their take on Scotch Eggs. Once a beloved national dish, filling our pubs and our guts with joy, in their hands it becomes not only a symbol for reincarnation and body possession, but something even worse: a dainty, feminised version made with quail eggs. Is nothing sacred to these people? They will not stop at scotch eggs.- they want our lives and minds to be infected with their demented savagery. Just like the movie they’re meant to accompany, Mephisto Waltz (1971), these eggs are a perverted, deranged version of those things that we love the most: family life, women being respectful housewives, and of course, men being competitive with one another in the pursuit of artistic genius.

Rosemary Stillborn @rosemarystillborn

AJ Bravo @ajphilos 

Photos: @ddiego_photography

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